Peace, joy

Sunday, June 23rd 2019

Nevada City, CA

It’s 6:30am and I am waking up for my final silent yoga and meditation session. I quickly get dressed and enter the Temple of Silence. The group of 12 has dwindled to just 7 in only 2 days. During the group meditation, I picture myself expanding beyond my body, then beyond the temple, then beyond the garden to eventually encompass the entire universe. I breathe love into every corner of it and feel very relaxed. I ask the universe why there is fear and it answers that there is no fear.

I skip the pancake breakfast and sit in the garden with a large cup of coffee. I feel very calm and peaceful. 

At 9:15am the group gathers in the Temple of Silence. It’s time to break the silence and everyone chants Om three times. Susan invites the group to share experiences and I can not believe how happy I feel to hear other people talk. There are a variety of comments on the whole process including one guy becoming aware of the pain in his body and another woman who can not stop crying; I get her, that was me yesterday. When it’s my turn to speak, I describe my experience as exciting, scary, sad, enraging, calming, and peaceful. Those are all the words I want to say at this point. 

Once the discussion is over there is talk amongst the group about visiting Ananda Village, located just down the hill. I learn that another woman from the group, named Alley, will also be staying 2 extra days and we decide to drive down to the village together. I agree to meet at the dining hall in 30 minutes. 

I go back to my tent to grab my wallet and can not decide if I want to bring water or coffee. I ultimately land on taking my wallet, journal, and coffee mug. I’ve only been here 2 days, but already feel mild anxiety about leaving. 

Another woman from the group, named Cat, joins Alley and me for the ride down the hill. She is from San Francisco and will be taking a cab back into the city. Cat is energetic and immediately wants to be friends, there is talk about forming a Facebook group and attending different festivals together. I am overwhelmed, but ultimately agree that we should all be friends. 

At the village, we spend some time browsing the gift shop. I buy a mala bracelet, which is a series of beads that I count while meditating in order to keep track of time. Soon Cat is off to catch her taxi and Alley and I drive to the rose garden. The village is a lot quieter than I imagined and there are only a few houses on large lots. We see a group of sheep grazing. 

The garden is beautiful. There are roses everywhere and I can tell they have never been pruned. When it’s time to go back, Alley asks if I’ll drive her car and I agree. 

Back at the retreat center, I learn that lunch is not served on Sundays. I make myself a snack of macadamia nuts and beef jerky and am surprised to find my watch and map laying on one of the tables. I reclaim my property and secretly think that I always knew it would find its way back. 

I start my afternoon by staring lovingly at the garden. I walk to a few spots that were identified by Charles, the gardener, as having special power. The first one is a large oak tree, which he called Grandmother. I sit in front of the tree and quiet my thoughts. I wait patiently for an epiphany, but nothing comes. Next, I walk to the only other oak tree located on the property, which the gardener calls Grandfather. I sit quietly for a while, straining to gain wisdom. I begin to think that should become more rooted, like the tree. I am sure that my mind is playing tricks on me, but also can not deny this is good advice.

Around 4:30pm I go to the Temple of Silence. A guy from our group is laying on his yoga mat, but the room is otherwise empty. Around 4:35, Alley joins. It becomes clear that no instructor is coming, however, Alley, who is also a yoga instructor, agrees to walk us through a few poses. At 6pm we move into a group meditation. 

At 6:30pm, dinner is served. Alley and I sit together. We have a long conversation about life at home, I learn that she is a mother and a part-time hula hoop instructor, who lives in Sonoma. We talk about our personal forms of spirituality and different belief systems. Eventually, health and wellness comes up as a core tenant for me and she is very interested. 

We only stop talking when it starts to become dark outside. Neither of us brought flashlights, so it’s time to call it a night. 

As I get ready for bed, I am overwhelmed with feelings of joy and am grateful that I stayed for the full term of silence. 

Crying, calm

Saturday, June 22nd 2019

Nevada City, CA

It’s 6:30am and I am waking up for yoga and meditation. I quickly get dressed, brush my teeth, and wash my face. I arrive for class at 6:55am and they have already started. I feel irrationally angry that class started ahead of schedule. The instructor seems unsure of herself and the yoga poses are disjointed. As the class moves into shavasana I feel a strong tickling sensation in the back of my throat; I feel as though I’ll start coughing uncontrollably. I breathe in small sips of air followed by long, slow exhales. Eventually, the tickling stops as I move into meditation. 

As I leave class I feel a large build-up of postnasal drip. I cough some of it up and am immediately nauseous. I skip breakfast in favor of a large cup of coffee. Sitting outside next to the bird feeder, I begin to think that my allergies are really kicking in and that I should leave early. I devise a plan to leave after lunch, get an AirBnb near the coast, and continue meditation on my own. I run through the conversation with the front office in my head and even decide to donate the cost of my remaining lodging and food back to Ananda. I just want to get out of this place. 

Around 9:15am the group gathers in the dining room for a talk from the gardener. His name is Charles and from his introduction, I quickly deduce that he is over 75 years old. He has been with Ananda since his 20s and is incredibly charismatic. He tells stories of his spiritual journey and I hang on every word. He speaks about letting go of anger from this life and past lives. He says that people are too hung up on the “why” of their anger. He asks, if you had a hot rock in your hand, would you ask "why" it’s there or would you just drop it? He says that anger is like a hot rock. He also talks about how the world is full of fear and anger and this is just part of our evolution. 

As Charles leads us around the garden he pauses to tell stories about certain trees and statues. His stories are interspersed with mysticism and a well-articulated worldview. I am fighting back tears throughout his entire talk. Something about this morning has made me very emotional and, subsequently, completely embarrassed. I can only take solace in the fact that no one will ask me to talk about it. 

By the end of Charles’s talk, I am fully crying and can not stop. He leaves the group with a bit of advice to learn to filter, not block, situations that are hard to handle. He looks at me as he says this. 

As soon as the talk is over, I walk to a small root cellar that is dedicated for meditation. I grab a handful of kleenex and a meditation pillow. The room is dark and the air is cool. It smells like dirt. I step through each breathing exercise. I am crying hard, but am still able to control my breath enough to eventually get into meditation. I ponder the idea that I have a metaphorical hot rock in my hand and work on dropping it. I ask myself the root of my anger and listen quietly for an answer. Eventually, it comes. 

After meditation, I splash cold water on my face, cover-up in sunscreen, and leave for a hike. This time I decide to hike the entire loop around the property, which is 3 miles. I no longer have a map or watch, but start down the path, nonetheless. The forest is very quiet and I am enjoying the movement of walking and the use of my muscles. I am no longer actively crying but am still occasionally tearing up. My thoughts are slowing down. At one point I pass a Y-shaped intersection and think that may be the path back to camp, but continue onwards. Later I see a white rock glistening on the road and pick it up. As an afterthought, I silently ask the forest if it's okay to carry the rock and I feel that the forest is okay with it. As I hold the rock in my hand, I think of those who have died in my life. I wish that I had been more empathetic during those times and resolve to adopt a new perspective. 

As I continue to walk, I am starting to feel as though I may have gone too far. Eventually, I hit the end of the road and realize that I should have turned at the fork. I am strangely not upset, though have mild anxiety that I am running short on water.  The sun is incredibly hot and, after what seems like forever, I am finally approaching the main property with an empty water bottle. I immediately fill up and then head back to the bathhouse. I take a cold shower and feel completely renewed. 

Next, I go back to the dining hall and pour myself a small cup of milk and take a few handfuls of macadamia nuts. I have missed lunch by nearly 3 hours. Next, I pour a cup of coffee and go to my usual chair. I am surprised to see a dead rat laying next to it. It appears that Pasha, the resident cat, has brought me a present. I find somewhere new to sit and spend the rest of the afternoon journaling and staring at plants. I am finally feeling calm and relaxed. 

At 4:30pm I rejoin the group for evening yoga and meditation. There is a new yoga teacher, who is incredible. At the end of class, he conducts a sound bath and then a guided meditation. During the meditation, he asks the group to picture ourselves sending a gift to mother earth and then imagine what she sends back, however, in my vision she sends nothing. As I fall into meditation, I picture myself in a waiting room. I am a ball of light that is expanding and contracting. Eventually, I expand my own light enough to break through the walls of the waiting room. Behind the wall are endless rows of hospital beds, filled with suffering bodies. I start to send light to one at a time, but they are endless. I begin to expand again and light eventually encompasses all of the space. 

The dinner bell rings at 6:30pm and I am starving. I follow the group to the dining hall and eat vegetable curry with rice. This is not filling, however, so I supplement with beef jerky and more macadamia nuts.

After dinner, the group gathers in the Temple of Silence for a class on chanting. I am excited, but quickly learn that “chanting” is really just singing hymns. Susan explains that it’s okay to break our silence because the sounds are intentional. I don’t like the class but participate anyway. 

Afterward I walk to the bathhouse for a long, hot shower and then crawl into my tent for some much-needed sleep. What a day. 

Sadness, anger

Friday, June 21st 2019

Nevada City, CA

It’s 6:15am and I am already awake. My alarm starts chiming at 6:30am and I immediately change into yoga clothes and walk to the bathhouse to brush my teeth and wash my face. Next, I walk to the dining hall in hopes of finding hot coffee, but I am disappointed. Instead, I find some lukewarm water in a thermos from the previous night, which I mix with instant coffee. It’s not good, but I sip it out of habit. 

At 7am I enter the Temple of Silence for an hour and a half of yoga and meditation. 

At 8:30am the group gathers for breakfast. I eat 2 boiled eggs and supplement with some beef jerky that I brought from home. The coffee is finally ready and I fill my coffee tumbler to the brim. I sit in the beautiful garden, sipping piping hot coffee and feel extremely happy. 

At 9:15am I head back into the Temple of Silence for a class on meditation. Susan explains some techniques for getting into meditation and then coaches each of us on how to sit. The trick is that you need to be completely relaxed while keeping your spine straight. I learn that meditation pillows easily allow for this position and my mind is blown. I think of all the time that I've spent sitting on the hardwood floor in my living room. No wonder I couldn’t relax. 

After class, I find a place to sit in the garden and am immediately moved by its beauty. The garden is a mix of plants and flowers with seemingly no order and definitely no pruning. The plants grow into each other in a way that feels like they are all part of the same family. I watch birds gather at a bird feeder and the leaves of various plants move subtlety with the wind. An older man comes out to add food to the bird feeder and I start to tear up. I feel moved by his kindness and am immediately embarrassed by my strong emotions. 

As I stare into the distance my mind is alternates between parts of songs from the car ride up and observations about being silent. 

Some observations include: (1) I have a strong desire to say hi to everyone that walks by. (2) I realize that I rehearse conversations in my head before they happen. (3) Being here is like being a cat, since I just sit in different places and watch birds. (4) Being here is also kind of like being in an airport because I’ve stopped acknowledging the people around me. 

Time is moving slowly. Eventually, the bell rings for the 12noon group meditation. 

I return to the Temple of Silence and meditation begins with Susan saying grace and then playing a few chords on her accordion. Once I am comfortable, I start with 4 count breathing, as previously instructed. Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds. This is meant to relax the body. Once I am fully relaxed I move into normal breathing and chanting Hong (inhale) Saw (exhale) in my head. Hong Saw, according to the Ananda tradition, is the sound of the breath of the universe. I imagine the energy in my third eye and move my perspective from a person who is causing the breath to a person who is observing the breath. This is meant to relax the mind. Finally, I move into full meditation by visualizing my energy dropping from my head down into my stomach. I am completely relaxed, silent, and still. 

At 12:30 the bell for lunch rings, ending meditation. Lunch is salad and vegetables, which I slowly eat outside. Afterward, the group is asked to participate in something called karma yoga, which is essentially doing service for others. I am not into this idea, but give it a shot and end up washing dishes for the next 45 minutes. 

Around 2pm I leave for an afternoon hike. It’s pretty hot outside, but I forge ahead. The path is beautiful and it feels good to be moving. I plan to walk roughly half a mile to a small lookout point, just outside of camp. I make a few wrong turns, but quickly find my way back to the main path. When I finally arrive, there is another person sitting at the small lookout point. She smiles and says “hi”. I whisper “hi” back. Oh well, I turn around and start the hike back to camp. At one point I realize that I dropped my watch and map (which were previously attached to my water bottle). I retrace my steps, even the wrong turns, but are unable to find them. I try to accept that I will not have a watch for the remainder of the retreat, but I also feel annoyed. 

When I get back, I pour another cup of coffee and sit in the garden to spend some more time with the plants and birds. I try to spend some time thinking about my career and dating life but just can’t get into that line of thought. They all of the sudden feel so small and far away. I am feeling increasingly emotional and continuing to tear up over little things like flowers, cats, and hot coffee.

At 4:30pm the group gathers at the Temple of Silence for evening yoga and meditation. Dinner is served at 6pm and then everyone gathers back in the temple at 7:15 for a Satsang, which is an Ananda tradition, where students ask questions to masters. Anandi leads the session. After each question, she pauses for an annoyingly long time. One person asks if she has ever experienced anything metaphysical and she cryptically says that she is not supposed to talk about that. I hate this answer. Another person asks about Kryia yoga and she says that I have to complete a year-long, paid course to find out about that. I also hate this answer. 

Once the Satsang is over, my annoyance has officially transformed into anger. I quickly get ready for bed and then toss and turn for what feels like hours. At one point, car lights shine directly into my tent while I hear another resident setting up camp annoyingly close to my tent. Eventually, I drift to sleep. 

Excitement, fear

Thursday, June 20th 2019

It’s 7:30am PST and I have overslept by 45 minutes. I jump out of bed, make coffee, and quickly get ready to leave. By 8am I are on the road, just one hour behind schedule. 

Today I am driving to the Ananda retreat center, just outside of Nevada City, CA. The GPS estimates a 7.5-hour drive, but I know it will take longer. As I drive out of Los Angeles, the mountain pass is covered in fog. It’s surreal and the drive is beautiful until I hit the end of the mountain pass and the sun fully emerges. I crank the AC to full blast but only succeed in cooling off my face and one arm. As a headache starts to solidify, I think, “This will be a long drive”. 

Earlier this year I signed up for a 4 day, silent retreat. I have just turned 38 and am officially calling a time-out to reevaluate my life. My thoughts immediately turn to my relationship. It’s only been two months, but I am starting to worry that he’s not as sincere as he initially seemed. I would like to use this time in silence to gain clarity on current and past relationships. 

Around noon I pull over for gas and lunch at Taco Bell. Later, closer to Nevada City, I make an emergency stop for tampons. Perfect. Eventually, I have to switch from GPS to handwritten directions, as I am getting so far out of town that I have lost cell service. The road to the retreat is rough and narrow. I begin to worry that I went too far and start to panic. This place is really in the middle of nowhere. 

Eventually, I arrive and park next to a small cabin, which is labeled “office”. I am greeted by a nice woman named Susan. She whispers “hello” and I whisper “hello” back. Susan shows me a map of the property and then gives a quick tour. She points out the dining hall, bathrooms, and my tent for the next 4 days. After providing a printed schedule, she whispers that dinner is at 6:30pm and then leaves me alone.   

I feel excited and spend some time organizing the tent and killing the random bugs that followed me in. I feel bad for killing bugs in such a spiritual place and whisper “sorry” to each bug. My tent came with a sleeping pad and some bedding, which is surprisingly comfortable. Once everything is in order, I sit quietly for a few minutes in anticipation of what the next few days may bring. My head is still pounding, but my spirits are high.

The dinner bell rings at 6:30pm sharp. I walk to the dining hall and see a small group of people lingering in front of a buffet of food. Someone from the kitchen comes out and explains that dinner is not silent and that the group will sing a blessing before eating. They pass out small cards with lyrics and then everyone sings together.  

Dinner is a potato bar with either a white potato or sweet potato. I am not happy about all the carbs, but knew this retreat would be vegetarian, so at least I was mentally prepared. I fill my plate and then look around for a place to sit. To no one, in particular, I announce that I will eat outside. Soon 2 women join me. They are sisters who traveled from Las Vegas. They laugh when I introduce myself, it turns out they have a 3rd sister back home with my same name.

After dinner, the group walks to the “Temple of Silence” for orientation. I giggle at the name, but also kind of love it. This is definitely the beginning of a great story. 

Susan and Anandi lead the group in introductions and a discussion about the benefits of meditation. Each member talks about his or her reasons for meditating. They range from battling an idiopathic itching condition to connecting with a higher power. I, personally, want to know my true self and am feeling only slightly narcissistic by my motivation.

At the end of the class, the group starts silence by chanting “Om” three times. It has officially begun. 

It’s 8:30pm now and I walk to the shower house. The shower is in a private room and there is no one in line. I think that I am happy with the accommodations so far as I quickly complete my bedtime routine and walk back to the tent. 

As I lay down, the sky quickly darkens, and the temperature drops. I am laying on my back, but feel like I am being rocked on a boat. I wonder if this is some sort of lingering motion sickness from the 8 hours that I spent on the road earlier today. 

In anticipation of something profound, I lie still and focus on the peacefulness of the forest. However, the longer I lie here, the more anxiety I begin to feel. I am not tired and, as my mind drifts, I imagine dark creatures floating a few feet over the ground. My mind then drifts to thoughts of death and I imagine knives flying through the air, close to the dark creatures which are now moving quickly as they skim the surface of the ground. I feel fear and panic. There is nowhere to go, however, so I remain still and breathe slowly through each minute. 

My head still aches and, at one point, the pain moves to the center of my forehead and turns into a feeling of pressure. I attempt to remain still and hope this is my headache subsiding, but eventually, the pressure becomes so distinct that I have to feel my forehead with my hand to make sure that nothing is there. The pressure passes and my headache returns.

Eventually, I drift into an uncomfortable sleep. This is not what I expected. 










Oil wells and picnic tables

Sunday, November 25th 2018

Marfa, TX and Los Angeles, CA

It’s 9am and I am waking up for the last day of Thanksgiving vacation. I meet my parents in the lobby for breakfast and it is incredibly crowded. We immediately decide to check out and eat somewhere else. 

I am leaving from the Midland airport at 6pm, so we start meandering in that direction. We pass through 3 towns before we are able to find a suitable place to eat. 

We end up in a small, Mexican restaurant with multicolored, paper flags taped to the walls and metal chairs. I ask the server what kind of meat is in the taco salad. She looks slightly confused by that question and says that it’s ground beef. Her response is perfect and I feel a small pang of nostalgia as I know this moment can only happen in West Texas. 

After brunch, we drive to a town called Monahans to check out the Sandhills park. This is where Texans go surfing on sand and I am super excited to see it. There are multiple road closures on the way, so it takes us a few tries to get into the park. 

When we arrive, the parking lot is empty. My allergies are raging and the wind here is insane. 

Dad goes inside the main office while Mom and I stay in the truck. He returns with a day pass and the news that it’s too windy to sand surf today. I am silently relieved.

We start to drive through the park. At first, we only see sand and tumbleweeds, but eventually, we reach the end of the main road and are greeted with enormous dunes in almost every direction. The sand is light tan and the sky is a strange mix of dark blue and gray. The dunes appear untouched and are adorned with squiggly lines from the incessant wind. 

Dad parks the truck and we get out for pictures. On a whim, I take off my boots, tuck my jeans into my socks and make the climb to the top of the first dune. The sand is incredibly soft and my feet are sinking almost to my ankles with each step. When I get to the top, the view is amazing. There are dunes as far as the eye can see and not one soul in sight. I feel an urge to run around them but the wind is so strong that I am leaning into it to keep from falling over. I reluctantly slide back down to the parking lot as both parents stand at the bottom, recording me on their iPhones.  

We continue to drive around the deserted park. We pass by a picnic area nestled next to a large, working oil well. If this isn’t West Texas, I don’t know what is. 

Eventually we make it to Midland an hour early. I opt to go ahead to the airport; my allergies are making me miserable and I just want to sit quietly indoors. 

At the airport I eat an early dinner and treat myself to a few glasses of wine. As soon my flight opens for boarding, I am the first in line. I have never been more ready to trade in West Texas tumbleweeds for California palm trees. 

Marfa is a strange mistress

Saturday, November 24th 2018

Marfa, TX

It’s 9:30am CST and I am waking up for our last full day in Marfa. Overnight my allergies have gone from bad to abysmal. I am struggling, but must pull it together. Today will be a busy day.

By 10am I am entering the lobby for breakfast. It's overrun with a strange mix of tourists. The crowd is a combination of Westworld and Portlandia and, strangely, I feel right at home. We luck into a corner table and enjoy a very slow breakfast while watching people and discussing our day. 

The first stop is a guided tour of the Chinati, Marfa's most popular contemporary art museum. Josh, our guide for the day, is wearing all denim and a pair of large, dusty work boots. I wonder if we will be mucking out stalls or viewing art, but I keep that thought to myself. 

Our group is small and, after the obligatory small talk regarding Texas football, the tour gets started. Josh begins with a brief explanation of the history of the Chinati (despite the fact that he is "confident" that most of us already know the story). I smile and nod; I do not know the story.

The Chinati was founded by the artist, Donald Judd. His career starts in the 1960s in New York. The art scene quickly falls in love with him, culminating in a retrospective of his work at the Whitney in 1968. By 1971 he starts to realize the feeling is not mutual and begins to visit Marfa regularly. In 1978 he becomes a permanent resident of Marfa, basically telling NYC it's-not-you-it's-me.

Meanwhile, the Dia Foundation, also in love with Judd, offers him $4M, an old Army base and full creative control to build his dream art museum in Marfa. Judd accepts the proposal and begins building his exhibit space and art in tandem. His sculptures will be permanent, so the galleries (mostly old artillery sheds) and the surrounding dessert will become part of the art. The project ends up running  substantially over budget (an impressive feat for a self-proclaimed minimalist). 

The Dia Foundation eventually breaks it off with Judd and the project is delayed. In 1986 the museum finally opens to the public under the stewardship of the Chianti foundation.  

Our first stop is Dan Flavin’s untitled. I’m not sure what to expect as I follow our small group into a large, dimly lit, rectangular room. The room splits near the far end, where there are 2 sets of neon lights, nestled in short, diagonally shaped hallways. One set is mostly pink and the other is mostly green. The shape of the hallways allow for visibility of a small amount of light from our end of the room, which increases as we approach. As I move closer, I am starting to feel like I can not walk in a straight line. I'm definitely into this.

We walk into to the next door of the same building and are now on the opposite side of the lights. The installation spans 6 U-shaped buildings with similar structures. Around building number 3 I start to become more comfortable and my parents and I take turns standing on opposite sides of the lights while waving to each other and laughing. 

After the 6th building, our group gathers in the shade as we wait for everyone else to catch up. Josh tells a story about a group of hikers at Big Bend, where one of them fell into a hole and died. Half of the group had to wait with the dead body for 3 days, while the others went for help. No one really knows what to say. I think this tour just took a dark turn.   

The next stop is Robert Irwin’s Untitled, Dawn to Dusk. This is the same installation where we unwittingly stopped on our first day town. Now that we are officially visiting, it’s explained that we should not take pictures (oops) and that we can go inside the seemingly empty building (yay). The installation spans 4 acres and we learn that it sits on the site of an old military hospital. Irwin wanted to use the original structure, but ultimately ended up constructing a new one in the same footprint. The building is a long hallway, divided perpendicularly. One side is lined with white, translucent fabric and the other side with black, translucent fabric. The installation is a work of space and light and I am really enjoying it. After everyone is done walking through the hallway, we pile into our cars for the final stop, the John Chamberlain exhibit across from our hotel. 

This exhibit is housed in a large, gutted warehouse that used to be a wool and mohair factory. It includes 22 abstract metal sculptures, made of salvaged cars. The space feels enormous and the sculptures are evenly dispersed throughout. Marfa is doing such a great job of hiding awesome art in dilapidated buildings. 

After the tour, we take a break for coffee and snacks. Around 1:45pm we are approaching Marfa Maid Dairy for our 2pm tour. They are located on Antelope Hills Rd. According to Apple maps, there are two roads that run parallel to each other called Antelope Hill Rd. and Antelope Hills Rd. We inevitably take the wrong one. 

2 phone calls and 3 u-turns later, we arrive at Marfa Maid right on time. We sit on a long bench in a screen-enclosed porch with a small group of tourists. Happy farm cats wander in and out of the partially open door. 

The tour is run by the couple that owns the farm. They are retired and incredibly charming. She is from California and used to run an art endowment in LA. He is from upstate New York and is an heir to a small chain of local liquor stores. Like Donald Judd, they found Marfa as the perfect escape from city life. First they fell in love with Marfa and then with each other. Marfa is a strange mistress.  

It turns out that the goat farm was actually started by accident. At first, she only wanted a house with a garden. This worked well until it was time to pay property taxes. As a way to sidestep the system, they purchased a few goats and registered themselves as a farm. The Californian, the New Yorker and their small herd of goats lived happily for a few years before it occurred to them to actually turn their "farm" into a farm. 

The going was tough at first. Their goats were not the right breed to produce milk and neither of them knew what to do with the milk anyways. Eventually he built up a medium-sized herd of Alpines and Nubians (the best goats for milk), and she learned how to make all sorts of cheese. Now they have a license to sell commercially and while they are not quite profitable, they are finally losing less money than the cost of property tax. I guess it takes a lot of work to stand still in these parts. 

Next, we meet the goats. They are excited for the company and are very affectionate. One starts to chew on the edge of Mom’s coat, but we catch her before any damage is done. My parents take pictures as a few of the goats pose patiently. I am in a state of complete bliss, as I am surrounded by overly affectionate goats and happy farm cats. I have never been happier. 

The next stop is the milking room. Our guide opens the door, shakes a bucket of food and almost immediately a goat comes bounding in. Unprompted, she jumps onto the milking platform and waits patiently. He gives us a quick primer on how to milk a goat by hand and then shyly admits that he normally uses a machine. We are each offered the opportunity to try, but by the time it's my turn, the demo goat is getting visibly agitated. I politely decline. 

The tour ends with a cheese tasting, where we all grab little pieces of cheese with our goat-and-cat-infested hands. This definitely feels like West Texas.

We head back to the hotel and sit down for an early dinner. After washing my hands for a full 5 minutes, my Dad and I split a large charcuterie plate and then I also eat a hamburger patty on the side. I guess that art and goats make me hungry.

Around 7pm we make the drive out to the McDonald Observatory. It's freezing cold, cloudy and very crowded. After only 30 minutes, we are all ready to leave. My allergies are really bothering me and I just want to be inside, next to a heater. 

When we get back to the hotel, college football is playing in the lounge and there is a hot toddy with my name on it. We spend the rest of the evening in this manner and eventually head up to bed by 11pm.   

They're out of toast.

Friday, November 23rd 2018

Marfa, TX

It’s 9am CST and I am waking up for day 3 of our Marfa vacation! Around 9:30am I meet my parents in the lobby for breakfast. The restaurant is packed. Mom points out a young Japanese couple, looking mildly uncomfortable in their cowboy hats and I am immediately charmed. 

After breakfast, Dad opts to stay at the lounge and watch football while Mom and I go shopping. Our first stop is a little store called Wrong. I read about it online and can’t tell if it’s a gift shop or a gallery. It’s only a block and a half from our hotel, but it takes nearly 10 minutes to find. Wrong is located on a residential street, in a house, with no sign. Go figure. 

Eventually, we enter. There is a woman and a younger guy behind the counter. The woman is obviously in charge and quickly announces that she needs to go take a shower. She asks if we need anything before she goes. Don't worry, I quip, we'll come find you.

The store is a really interesting mix of original art and handmade gifts. The prices are high and I feel like I just stepped into an Abbot Kinney boutique through a secret portal in the middle of the West Texas desert. I want to buy something on principle but I just can not stomach $500 for an 8 x 10 print. 

Next we wander up Highland Avenue to see what else Marfa has to offer. The plan is to walk to the courthouse at the end of the street. There is a lookout deck at the top; it’s only three stories tall, but we've been told that you can see the whole town. 

Soon we see a small sign that says Andy Warhol on it. It’s next to an oversized, sliding door. With great trepidation, I pull back the large door. Inside we find a single room gallery with a nice lady sitting at a small table. She explains this rotating exhibit is free to the public, courtesy of the Ayn Foundation. The gallery features 3 paintings from Andy Warhol’s last supper, a series that has over 100 pieces in total. It strikes me as strangely religious given what I know about Andy Warhol. Later I'll find out these paintings were Warhol's last before his unexpected death in 1987.   

Next door we find a similar gallery with the works of Maria Zerres. We learn that she is a German artist who finds inspiration from tragedy. This particular series is about September 11. 

As we continue towards the courthouse, we duck into a few gift shops. I am on the lookout for a t-shirt but end up buying a substantially overpriced sweatshirt instead. Mom buys some organic dog treats to bring home for Hyacinth, their miniature schnauzer.  

When we finally arrive at the courthouse, it is closed for the holiday. We are not surprised and decide to head back on the opposite side of the street. We stumble across another gallery, showing photography by Robert Frank. A series of informational panels explain that he is basically the father of street photography. I am definitely into this. There are 100s of photos and a handful of 8mm films running on loops. I am getting tired, but still manage spend nearly 30 minutes checking out his work. 

Soon we are back at the hotel. We reconvene with Dad and enjoy a long afternoon break and a few snacks before bundling up for the evening weather. 

Around 3pm, we walk over to a small coffee shop called Do Your Own Thing. The cafe has no sign and is only marked by a lone sandwich board in a gravel parking lot. The sign reads "coffee, toast and magic". Upon entrance, there is another sign explaining that they are out of toast. It takes almost 15 minutes to get our coffee. It's okay though, we relax at a long picnic table and take in the scene. 

The next stop is Ballroom Marfa, a gallery with rotating art, located across the street. We are not sure what to expect and find 3 rooms and a lone outdoor sculpture. The rooms are filled with abstract paintings and videos. There are no information panels to explain the context but the whole space has a distinct feeling of chaos. The heart of the exhibit, First Person Shooter, by Jibade-Khalil Huffman, is a medium sized room filled with various projected films designed to make you feel scared, uncomfortable and disoriented. We are the only ones in this room and I notice an unmarked door in the back corner. As I approach, I see that it’s partially open. I slowly push on the door, half expecting another Warhol painting. Inside I find a plain bathroom. Even the expected is unexpected in Marfa.

Next we gather in the truck and make the short drive to the Chinati for a special sunset viewing of a few key pieces of art. It turns out there are multiple installations and galleries located all over the place. The guy that sells us our tickets has to explain where we should go 3 times before we fully understand.

We start out at Donald Judd’s Untitled, 100 works in mill aluminum. One of the most famous permanent installations in Marfa, it spans 2 gutted artillery sheds in the middle of the desert and houses exactly 100 aluminum boxes. Dad, with a background in materials science, has a lot to say about the thickness of the aluminum, how it interacts with the environment and the construction of the boxes themselves. At one point, our docent explains that the boxes were constructed at a mill and that Judd only designed them. Dad is visibly disappointed by this news; he was just starting to appreciate the art of Marfa.

The sun is setting quickly, so we walk over to Judd’s 15 untitled works in concrete, which spans a little bit over half a mile. We don’t have much time, so we approach the very large exhibit somewhere in the middle and stroll up it's dirt road towards the parking lot. The concrete boxes are light gray, smooth and  taller than we are. Dad talks about the quality of the concrete and I muse on the interaction of the art and the landscape. Mom waits patiently as we analyze each box.     

By the time we get back to the hotel, it’s dark and cold outside. We are ready for an early dinner. The hotel restaurant is packed and we are lucky to snag a table in the corner after only a few minutes of waiting. Our server is awesome and lets us order from the formal dining room instead of the bar. I get steak frites and creamed spinach. My meal is great and we even have a perfect view of the TV to watch college football. 

We spend the rest of the evening in the lounge, sipping wine and occasionally talking over the game. Today turned out to be a good day for both art and football.